using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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