I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
