I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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