Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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