i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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