i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
