she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
