How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
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