Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Randomize
