It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
im gay
i know
yea but for you.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Randomize
