Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Randomize
