So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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