Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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