my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
