dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
