Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
