Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
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i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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