I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
