Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
