my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
