She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
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