"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
