i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
