She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
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