I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
