btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
