I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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