Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize