We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
