are you still at the devil's house?
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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