I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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