what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Randomize
