I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
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