The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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