What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Randomize
