Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
