how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
