I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
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