My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
