did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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