I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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