i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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