At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
what the fuck happened to the tacos
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
