How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
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