I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
