no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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