Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Randomize
