Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Randomize
