just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
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