Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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