Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
