Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize