The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Randomize
