Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
