So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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