11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
My sheets look like a crime scene.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
He? As in you personified your dick?
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
