i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
