I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
