I am midnight drunk by noon
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
