im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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