Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
