The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
