my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Randomize
