awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
nutella sex= disaster
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize