my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
Slut skills are useful in every country.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
