I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
