Heybabeimwearingurpanties
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Randomize
