I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
