Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I DEMAND FORESKIN
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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