come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Vodka?
Forever.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
