morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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